Dearest Embaby, our flights are booked and we’re coming to get you! We’ll be there on December 3rd! Holy, it feels real now. I’m so nervous for the possibility of yet another disappointment I could puke, but so hopeful I’m excited. This works for people, I’ve seen it! 73-days away. Ahhhh the anticipation!!
I’ve got so many emotions running through me right now. I’m so eager, I’m so hopeful, I’m so optimistic, I’m so nervous, I’m so vulnerable and I’m seriously…grieving. I think my grief is from throwing in the towel and the helpless feeling I have about giving up the ‘biological dream.’ Hello again grief, I didn’t miss you. This stupid grief feeling has been difficult to shake since we booked our tickets, maybe because we are really doing this? I’ve been trying to remind myself that these are exciting times, I should be happy and looking forward to the future, not grieving what we can’t have, that ship has sailed. Honestly though, it’s just so freakin’ hard sometimes. Some days when I’m stuck in a pity- party, I just want to stomp my feet and scream like a 3-year old “THIS ISN’T FAIR!”
I know screaming like a 3-year old will fix nothing, but for a few seconds it might give me some relief, because this sh*t isn’t fair…. why me, why us?! On some days when I’m feeling exceptionally vulnerable to the reality of our infertility the negative thoughts hit me and the word “never” distorts my logical thinking… We’ll never be parents, We’ll never know what it’s like to experience the unconditional love that comes with children, We’ll never have a daughter with my brown curly hair, We’ll never have a child that has my husband’s beautiful green eyes, We’ll never look at our children and question which physical traits were inherited from Nick and which were from me, We’ll never know what it’s like to look at a child that is 100% our combined genetic material…………….the ‘nevers’ go on and on.
Luckily, somehow I’m always able to pull myself out of these icky negative thoughts, somedays it takes longer than others, but I always step out of my pity-party at some point and remember….DNA doesn’t make family, We’ll get our family one way or another if we just keep moving forward, We’ll make fantastic parents- it doesn’t matter where our children come from! We have so much love and support, our children will be so loved too, We can do this, we will do this! I am strong and we are stronger together!
See, that’s a lot of thoughts swarming around in my brain. Thank god for therapy. 😊
Uffta. Back to reality. What if this actually (like, actually-actually) works and we get pregnant? How crazy-cool would that be?! Someone would definitely need to pinch me.
This chapter of our journey begins on Nicks 34th birthday, AKA: November 30, 2018. Last year for Nick’s birthday we were riding dune buggies in the Dominican Republic now this year, we’ll be hopping a flight to hopefully make a baby, what a lucky guy. Anyways, we fly from Minneapolis to Vienna, Austria, and we land on December 1st. Our frozen double-donor embryo transfer will be on December 3, 2018! *Happy dance* 😊 😊 😊
The process of transferring a double-donor embryo: As I said in a previous post, the transfer of the embryo only takes a few minutes, it’s an extremely quick and painless process. In-and-out. It’s the days of prepping my body before and after that take work because everything must be timed precisely. At the start of my next period (in October) I will begin taking birth control, the birth control pills are meant to manipulate my cycle for my body to be ready on December 3rd. With an embryo transfer, there is only a small window where an embryo can nestle warmly into the uterus to create a baby, and that’s around cycle day 20-22 (*based on a 28 day menstrual cycle). Therefore, the point of taking the birth control is to sync up my cycle so that December 3rd is smack dab between cycle days 20-22. The doctor tells me when to stop and/or re-start the pills. This means I might go 5-6 weeks without having a period due to the birth control. I follow the doctors lead and trust that he knows what he’s doing.
The second medication I’ll be taking is estradiol, which starts on day 2 of my transfer cycle, so probably around November 14th-ish. This is taken orally 3x per day. It’s a tiny little pill, but it packs a punch. By punch, I mean a nice array of side effects that are highly unpleasant, at least for me they are for me. The goal of this medication is to thicken my uterine lining to make it like a 5-star hotel suite for our embryo.
The third and last medication that I have to take is progesterone, I start taking this 5-days before my transfer, ~November 28th-ish. Progesterone can either be taken vaginally by inserting (4) nickel sized dissolvable egg-shaped tablets into the V 2x per day, or a 1x per day injection into your butt cheek. (Side note: Ladies, imagine the over the counter vaginal pills for YI, the progesterone suppositories are just like those, but 4 times worse because its 4 of them at ONE TIME. So basically, gross.) Without hesitation, I opted to take the 1x per day injection, plus I have 5 bottles left from our IVF. If I get pregnant, I’ll have to do these daily until I hit 12-weeks.
We can either order our medications from Europe (the scripts are so hard to read) or we can ask my doctor here to write the prescriptions so it’s more convenient to get. I have an appointment on September 21st with the doctor we saw for our second opinion at OGI Maple Grove. I’m hoping she will agree to re-write the prescriptions for us, but if she doesn’t, that’s fine, at least we tried 😊.
We also need my lining check (done by a vaginal ultrasound) on cycle day-11. Likely to occur around November 23rd. We are hoping that the second opinion doctor will also agree to do the ultrasound for us (fingers crossed). The results of the ultrasound get sent to the doctor in the Czech, either by me or the clinic who performs the ultrasound, they said it didn’t matter. The only nerve-wracking thing is that if my lining is not where it should be on the ultrasound (millimeter thickness wise, they are looking for 8-10mm) the transfer could be moved or cancelled. I’ve never had an issue with my lining so I’m not that concerned, but wouldn’t that suck? At least we would get a trip out of the deal.
So that is it, I only have to take 3 medications (and do an ultrasound) for the embryo transfer, its easy-peezy as long as I remember to take and do everything correctly. I have to take the progesterone based on the Czech time, so 7-hours ahead of Minnesota until pregnancy is confirmed. Yikes…..I always get confused with time zones so I think I’ll let this be in Nick’s wheelhouse.
When I was typing this, I remembered a funny story from when we did our IVF, I majorly messed up on 2 of the injections prompting mass hysteria and a frantic emergency call to the afterhours on-call nurse who returned our call 3-hours later informed us it was fine and not to panic. It wasn’t funny at the time, but now looking back its kind of hilarious. 😐 I can be so careless.
Hopefully nothing like that happens this time around!
In other news, it’s our first fur babies 4th birthday today! Happy Birthday Dottie, we love you!!!
Next post: Prepping: Mind, body, spirit.